Full Contact Life

When I left for college I was a shattered child. I was a shell of person. Even though I was 18 too much had happened in my early life and then throughout my childhood, that left me immature and broken. I barely survived that year. My dad would call to tell me how he was going to kill my mother or me or about his recent sexual encounter. I would call my mom occasionally hoping that she would finally tell me she loved me, only to be told how much she hated me and how horrible of a child I was. I went to school. Kind of. I made some friends but they were not good friends. I got a job. I was depressed though. Depressed. Alone. Hurting. Lost. So I drank. I drank to get drunk. I drank to get numb. I had lived in an environment that was so abusive and controlling and strict that when I moved 1500 miles away it was like a caged animal finally being set free. There were too many choices, too much noise, too much sadness, too much ache with in my mind that I had no self regulators. Ins...

In June of 2013 Arwyn fell (a whole two feet - maybe) and ruptured an unknown aneurysmal bone cyst. She had to be life flighted to Primary Children's hospital where she would undergo emergency life saving surgery. She ultimately would have a piece of her skull removed. We were told to expect the worst because the location of the cyst was at the base of her skull right next to the brainstem. She lived. Not only did she live but she thrived. We were told that she may need to be in the hospital for 5-7 days. She was there for 3. No negative implications. You would never know what happened to her if you didn't know the story personally. She survived but I was a mess. My anxiety was so intense. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. All I could do was watch her. This wasn't the first time I had almost lost a baby. Ansli had spent 4 weeks in NICU because her heart would stop beating. I would watch as they would give her little body what felt like hours but really it was ju...