Full Contact Life

Life is good. Really good. I've been posting videos which is a huge fear of mine. Every time I do it I feel so sick afterwards. All my anxiety is screaming at me about how people will hate it, my insecurities tell me I'm not good enough, and my fears tell me I am not qualified. But I stand boldly in front of them and tell them to hush. Ain't nobody got time for that ;) Here is the deal though. When I say life is good, it isn't because all my ducks are in a row and everything is going fantastic. I say life is good because that is my outlook I choose to have. Financially things are just eeking along. We make just enough money to exist while working to build my husband's businesses. I am working on certifications that I worry all the time whether or not I will pass the final exams. I homeschool and honestly everyday I worry if I am teaching my kids what they need to know. We are in the process of taking care of an issue with my son. He had the awful experience ...

My father is a pedophile. My grandmother is a pedophile. My grandmother was abused by her father and then she went on to abuse my father who abused me. I've blocked them on most forms of social media but I think they may have found my blog. My grandmother messaged my daughter on Facebox and said she heard from a friend that Aspen had graduated from high school and joined the military. The thing is my grandmother doesn't know anyone that knows my daughter. I have over analyzed how she could have found out and the only thing I could think of was my blog. Which is fine. It makes it quite easy to communicate to them as well as everyone else ;) In the early years of my adult life I felt an obligation to heal my family. I knew I wanted to break a cycle and deep in my brave little heart I believed that if I could love everyone enough I could break all the cycles. I allowed my father back into my life for a short time because I felt like my forgiveness also meant allowing h...

Dear Grandma, and Dad,  Go away. I don't want either of you in my life. Neither of you had or have the courage to change. It is because of you that I even had to overcome a horrendous childhood. I don't like you. I don't want you in my life. And Grandma, I saw your message to my daughter and you are a liar. Leave my children alone.

To the woman who thought she took my daughter from me, I told you... I carried her. I gave birth to her. I nurtured her. I raised her. I am her mother. She didn't just come back to me. She came back to herself. She came back to the Lord. You were just a distraction. A tool of the devil. You tried to make her forget who she was. But she is a warrior daughter raised by a warrior mother. You didn't stand a chance. I told you...

A year ago I had incredible intentions. I was going to be something. I was going to do something. I lined up conferences to attend. I enrolled in a new nutritional course. I was reading all the motivational, goal setting, dream accomplishing books. I posted the questions, the motivational quotes and inspirational messages all over my house.  And then my daughter ran away.  And she was gone for two months without contact.  Then we found her and brought her home.  But then we had to send her to live in Tennessee with my in-laws in hopes that we could break the ties she had with some seriously dysfunctional and potentially dangerous people.  And we thought we had.  But not really. Thankfully though she lived far away from them and the only contact they did have was limited.  Then she joined the Army National Guard and left for bootcamp, without us being able to say goodbye because her choices were keeping us from her.  ...