Full Contact Life

Last night when I went to bed at whatever time it was, just after writing my post, I knew I would have to wake up and qualify or explain what I am trying to say. Utah Mormons don't see their behavior. They are good people. They don't drink. They don't smoke. They go to church. They "love" their neighbor. All the boxes are checked. But so many are completely without the spirit. I can say that because they show up at my house to call me to repentance because I haven't been to church. I am told that God will withhold blessings if I do not attend. Do you have a list of the specific 'blessings' that God will be withholding? I had no idea that so many individuals had so a close relationship to the Lord as to know when he would withhold blessings. I also didn't realize that church attendance determined my righteousness or loyalty to the Lord. I am not saying that one should not go to church but I am saying that determining whether a person is no...

I never wanted to move to Utah. In fact when the first premonition came I told the Lord "Hell, no". Now I know that many a faithful follower just cringed that I said that. I get it. You would never say such a thing to the Lord. Your neighbor probably - but not the Lord. But I figure he knows what I am saying to my neighbor and I could not pretend to like what he was trying to gently warn me about. When we lived in Utah from 2007 to 2011 I experienced some of the worst mormons I think could ever live. Yes I am judging. I judge them to be complete hypocrites. If that offends you.... I had a Bishop tell me my husband's service in the military was selfish and that the ward would not be serving me and my children, all while my 6 week old baby was in the hospital with RSV and he was at pre-deployment training. While on bedrest, because of a back injury, this same bishop and the relief society president came to my home to tell me that I had too many kids and that I didn...

People who are abusive are not always mean to everyone around them. It's the reason that people struggle to leave abusive marriages and relationships. It is the reason people struggle to believe that a friend or coworker could be abusive when someone accuses them because they see the nice side of the abuser. My mother learned her art of narcissism from her mother. I believe that my grandmother learned her art of narcissism from her mother. My father had a violent father and abusive mother. Both of them had abusive parents. But anyone outside of the family who knew any of my family members thought they were something wonderful.  I remember as a child going with my paternal grandfather to the gas station to fill up his pickup. He was so cordial and kind and I remember the guy working at the station telling me I had the nicest grandfather and I was lucky girl. I remember being confused because I had seen how my grandfather treated my mother and father, and it wasn't kind a...

We moved to Boston November of 2004. I was three or four months pregnant with our son and the girls were 3 and 1 year old. The job Ray took would require him to travel two weeks out of a month.  Housing in Boston is not cheap and it can be hard to find a place "close" to work. It took us about a week to find what I felt like would be the perfect place for us to stay. It was a cute little Tudor style townhome tucked away at the back of the complex. $1500 for 1500 sq ft that had been "updated" - new carpet and tile and new paint and it was only 30 years old - that's new for Boston. Steal of deal there so we were excited to move in.  Shortly after moving in Ray was off to travel the states to inspire dealers to sell his company's product.  I don't remember how many days he had been gone but I do remember how loud the music was and that my lights were flickering and the chandelier over my table was shaking. The girls had been asleep but were now...

My mother unfriended me on all forms of social media over a year ago. It was during all the drama of us not paying her rent and asking for the cell phone back that she refused to pay for. I am still connected with several people who are still connected with her. Recently I have noticed that she has been commenting and liking and all kinds of warm fuzzies on social media posts of our mutual friends. My mom has not commented on anything on social media in years (at least not on our mutual friends) - she doesn't comment or like - maybe one or two things a year. I don't have the time or mental energy to try to explain how this behavior is so classic for her or any narcissist. If you want to know how a narcissist operates feel free to google it but this is my mom's way of nonverbally communicating with me. Hi mom. Welcome to my blog. To whomever felt it necessary to reveal to her my blog or my posts please know it wasn't a secret. I have not kept it hidden or hoped...

I am sharing this because it needs to be shared for those who right now are struggling with feeling God's loves because of what has been inflicted on them by the hands of others .  It is a personal story. It is my healing. My miracle. I am proof today that God works miracles. I wrote this 14 years ago but the journey started 15 years ago because of talk given by Elder Richard G Scott of the Quorum  of the Twelve Apostles (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). I don't remember the first portion of the talk but I do remember one line in particular - "Now to those of you who have been scarred by the ugly sin of abuse." He said that we did not have to carry that burden with us our entire lives. So I knelt down in my room that very moment and I told the Lord I was willing and ready to what it ever I needed to do to be healed. He not only took the ache, the nightmares, the fear and the anguish but over the years he has continued to heal me and to help me br...