People who are abusive are not always mean to everyone around them. It's the reason that people struggle to leave abusive marriages and relationships. It is the reason people struggle to believe that a friend or coworker could be abusive when someone accuses them because they see the nice side of the abuser.

My mother learned her art of narcissism from her mother. I believe that my grandmother learned her art of narcissism from her mother. My father had a violent father and abusive mother. Both of them had abusive parents. But anyone outside of the family who knew any of my family members thought they were something wonderful. 

I remember as a child going with my paternal grandfather to the gas station to fill up his pickup. He was so cordial and kind and I remember the guy working at the station telling me I had the nicest grandfather and I was lucky girl. I remember being confused because I had seen how my grandfather treated my mother and father, and it wasn't kind at all. 

My mother has told me stories of how her mom would buy clothes and feed other families before feeding or clothing her own family. She would verbally assault and physically abuse my mother and then go over to the neighbors to serve and help out. 

One does not cancel out the other. It only HIDES what is really happening. 

We do not get to excuse abuse in any form because "we all have weaknesses". 

Abuse is abuse is abuse. 

My grandparents abused my parents. My parents abused their children. The fact that my grandparents were good contributing members to society does not in anyway diminish or qualify or excuse what any of them did. 

My paternal grandfather looked right at my dad when he was about 7 and told him he hated him. That he didn't care if he lived or died and that he did not want my dad as his son. And when I was just a little older than that age was when I was told that I have the nicest grandfather. 

Some may say to me that my grandparents or even my parents didn't know better. 

LIE. 

Every abuser knows better. 

We are all born with a conscience. An ability to know when we are hurting someone else and ability to care. If anything they all knew how it felt to be abused and how terribly it hurt to be beaten and to be verbally assault or even ignored and instead of choosing to break a chain they chose to remain victims and to continue the abuse. 

I was abused for 20 plus years. I don't abuse my children or my husband. I chose not to become what my parents and grandparents were. 

Many years ago after a therapy session I decided to take my therapist up on his challenge. I decided not to call my mother. She never called me, it was always me calling her. I went four years without hearing from her and it was I who initiated any communication in 2012. I have posted previously about the fact that she lives down the road but we don't hear from her. 

To her neighbors though she is thoughtful and kind and babysits their children. She calls people to check on them and remembers birthdays and special occasions. 

Her kindness towards other people does not then cancel out who she is towards her children. 

I truly have no hatred towards my mother or my grandparents, but we are the perfect clinical example of dysfunction and abuse and how it is perpetuated. 

I remember as a little girl watching my mother's mom repeatedly kick one of my cousins. Nothing was done to stop it. I asked my mom "why do we keep going to nanny and papa's if everyone is so mean and there is always fighting?" She replied "because it is the right the thing to do."

She went on to explain to me how Nanny didn't know better and how my cousins didn't know better and how she wanted us to be the ones to show them love. 

So we swim with sharks to teach them not to eat humans? We play with loaded guns to show kids what can happen? 

That is literally the logic. 

Removing your boundaries and subjecting yourself to abuse does nothing except to expose you the abuser and allow them to abuse you. 

It is not wrong to call an abuser an abuser. It's what they are. Their goodness to others does not cancel their actions to the ones that they have abused. It is not a credit - debit system. Nor do they get points for good behavior. 

Just because my grandmother served others in her neighborhood does mean she is justified in her abuse towards my mother or her siblings. 

Just because my mother is kind to every other person on this planet does not justify how she pits her children against each other. 

I can love my mother and have nothing to do with her. I can call what she has done and continues to do abuse. To call out abuse is not wrong. It is not hateful. It is honest. It is what is needed.