I am sharing this because it needs to be shared for those who right now are struggling with feeling God's loves because of what has been inflicted on them by the hands of others. 

It is a personal story. It is my healing. My miracle. I am proof today that God works miracles. I wrote this 14 years ago but the journey started 15 years ago because of talk given by Elder Richard G Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). I don't remember the first portion of the talk but I do remember one line in particular - "Now to those of you who have been scarred by the ugly sin of abuse." He said that we did not have to carry that burden with us our entire lives. So I knelt down in my room that very moment and I told the Lord I was willing and ready to what it ever I needed to do to be healed. He not only took the ache, the nightmares, the fear and the anguish but over the years he has continued to heal me and to help me break the chain of abuse and dysfunction completely.  

This  was originally recorded in October 2003, I have made appropriate changes to keep the story up to date. My hope is that my story will bring people closer to the Savior, and that others will seek for themselves their own healing.

      As a child as I was the victim of sexual abuse, as well as verbal and physical abuse from my parents. (I was the victim of child pornography when I was very young and later sexually abused by my father) I struggled through my years in school trying to understand my identity, my purpose and my role in my own life. When I graduated from high school, I moved to Utah only to continue my life in a very scarred and damaged state of mind. I knew there was a God, and I knew the scriptures were true (I believe our Heavenly Father blessed me with these gifts). I attempted to believe Him and what the scriptures said of His power. I was alone physically, but I also felt alone emotionally. I knew I needed help but I didn’t know where or how to begin. Some would see my first few years out of high school and the years following as a low point in my life, but I know the Lord saw it different. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know a side of a healthy emotional life that thankfully many do know. I did pray.  

By the time I met Ray I was more firm in my conviction to change. I broke off a long-time unhealthy relationship, and began to read my scriptures more regularly, returned to church and tried to figure out who I was. Though I was growing I was still weak. I know I was supposed to marry Ray. I knew this while we were dating, but due to dysfunctional habits I attempted to sabotage the relationship. I am thankful to a Heavenly Father who despite my attempt blessed us with the chance to marry. It was then that the Lord’s hand became even more visible to me in my life.

I have always believed I could be healed or at least that God could take my ache from me. I had been to counselor after counselor; I had been on almost every medication available for anxiety and depression (literally). I had been diagnosed with every disorder associated with abuse and then some. As I look back and consider all that as happened I remember a blessing I got just before I met Ray. I was reminded of the presence of the Lord in my life, His knowledge of my struggles and that He would heal me in due time.  

In my life there was a cycle where I would go to a psychologist and a few months sooner or later I would feel it appropriate to stop my sessions and turn to the Lord solely for my healing. This would last for a time, and then again something would occur in my life requiring medicine and professional counseling. This cycle reoccurred often in my life as for a time I would feel good, I would feel more like myself and like I had things under control.  Then, and in some cases overnight, all hell would break loose in my mind or something physical/mental would occur and again I would spiral deep into horrific nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression and confusion. The feelings would be so intense, so difficult, so lasting and all-encompassing that at times I would struggle to breath and even exist.  It was times like these that I wanted to die and I would question the necessity of my very existence.    

I am thankful for the professionals who helped me; their knowledge passed to me was what the Lord was able to use as tools to help me grow. After Alora’s birth (my second child) life was the hardest. There were times I honestly didn’t think I would survive because the physical pain was as great as the emotional. The ache was so deep sometimes that death seemed it would be a relief. When I look back I see the Lord’s hand though and how he carried me through those dark moments.

I clung to a talk that Elder Richard G Scott (a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) gave a few conferences back. (October Conference 2002) He said to those of us that have been abused that we could be healed completely, that we would not have to seek counseling for the rest of our days, that there was an end to it all through our Savior.

 September 2003 Mom Griffin (my mother in law) and I attended a women’s conference in Tennessee. With a heart full of gratitude for all my blessings and for such a great opportunity we returned home. That Tuesday Mom and I were discussing my future in consideration of my meds and therapy. She discussed with me her fear of me suddenly stopping my meds as I had frequently done before. I told her naively that I would not discontinue my meds this time around “until the Lord Himself told me I could”. That evening I sat to read my scriptures, before beginning however I read a letter Pat Vassilaros (a friend) wrote me.  Side note: this letter was written in May of 2003 from Germany, mailed but did not surface in PA until August, It was forgotten about, then mailed to me here in Ohio. I do not believe this letter was a coincidence. As I read the words she wrote by inspiration my heart was full. She shared a story about a tree there that people referred to as the ‘Jesus-oak’. She continues with – “I believe these people were healed not because of a special tree but because of their faith in Jesus Christ. I believe, so you will be healed-not because of your medicine or counseling necessarily-although they help-but because you have such great faith in the Savior. The more you focus on Him & His healing power the more you will heal all parts of your life. The Lord loves you so much- He has a mission for you here that only you can do. I know you will be healed. . . You are even now in the Lord’s hands and He will heal you in His perfect way and perfect time.” 

When I came to Ohio I was determined to heal. I had borne the burden placed on me by others long enough. In my heart the only way to do this was to submerge myself in His words. I read the scriptures, I read whatever else my hands found that contained words from Him through His leaders. I plead with Heavenly Father to lead me and to heal me, to help me know what I needed to do so that He could. As I prayed I never felt good about returning promptly to counseling. On one occasion after praying about love and my desire to understand it better, I felt very impressed to read ‘Jesus the Christ’ (written by Elder James E Talmage) and that upon completion I would have the desired understanding and then some. Not only was that promised fulfilled even as I read, but by reading this book I have gained an understanding and an undeniable testimony that Jesus was the Christ and the He lives! 

On another occasion I was sitting outside in Dad Griffin’s hammock with my girls (at the time it was just Aspen and Alora), it was a beautiful clear day, I heard the words “I brought you here to heal you my way” as if Heavenly Father were right beside me. My thoughts following were of realization of why Ray was still in PA working, and why I was unable to find a counselor to work with. And to be honest I didn't expect what was about to occur. 

Pat did not realize the truth of her words; “even now you are in the Lord’s hands”. I was, even on that night. I bowed my head to pray after finishing her much-inspired letter. As I opened my heart to the Lord and poured out my soul to him in despair, the spirit filled me as never before. I only have layman words to describe the experience. There was fullness in my heart, and a peace filled my body that words cannot describe, and my body felt lifted even though I was kneeling on the floor. It felt as if for the moment time was standing still. Though my eyes were closed I saw the Savior - almost dream like and I heard the Savior’s voice say to me, ‘thou art healed, cease from taking your medication and go on.’ I sat in that most beautiful feeling and wept in thanksgiving and unworthiness. I remember feeling an incredible amount of relief and yet still wondering how the Lord could know me personally. (I would later have another incredible experience in which our Father in Heaven would help me to understand and even know for the first time in my life that I was his daughter. That my life had purpose and that He does love us and longs to heal us.)

I fell asleep shortly after my healing moment and when I woke the next morning I questioned if what had happened really did. I hesitantly went upstairs to take my medication - what if I had made up this moment in my mind? As I began to open the cabinet I literally felt a push away from the cabinets. I went back downstairs and knelt in prayer. 

I told the Lord that I thought that maybe he may have come to me the night before to heal me but I wasn't sure if I dreamed it or if it was real. I continued telling the Lord that the medicine I was taking was not to be stopped abruptly or there could be severe physical consequences (I was on Wellbutrin, Topamax, Prozac, and Klonopin). I was again filled with an incredible amount of peace and a reassurance that I could move forward without taking the medicine.

I did discontinue my meds as directed. For days I remember walking around waiting for a panic attack or for fear or sadness to overcome me but it didn't. I was waiting for that other shoe to drop but it never did. I was healed. 

There never were any withdrawals, no nightmares, no panic attacks, no depression; my mind and my heart were healed - they are healed and cleansed from the awful effects of abuse. 

There was no fanfare, no magic just words. I am healed. 

I testify to you of our Savior’s healing power. I am a living example that he can remove the scars from abuse. He can take our nightmares. He can take the anguish of our souls. I still remember what happened but without the negative paralyzing emotions. No palpitations or anxiety - no shortness of breath or panic. I don't feel sick inside or feel that unrelievable ache of knowing it happened. I am free from it all. I am free because my Savior healed me. 

I know our Heavenly Father hears our prayers, He knows us by name, and will never forsake us. This life as we know it brings with it so many trials. We are not promised to be healed from all the scars that we are left with in this life, but THIS scar - one brought on by the sins of another - he can heal you of this. The road will not be easy but it will most definitely be worth it. I can bear you that testimony.

Please begin now on your journey to a healing. People will tell you that it can't happen. I was told that every time I would share with someone that it was what I working towards. That is until I met a woman who had been healed from cancer in a dream. Dr. Carol Moretz. She had gone into have a mastectomy. She was not a religious woman but as she lay there sleeping the night previous to her surgery God came to her and healed her. The next morning as they prepped her for surgery she shared with the doctor the dream she had had. He told her a lot of people have had the same dream before surgery. Somehow though she was able to convince him to do a scan and sure enough the cancer was gone. She had been healed. 

She was my therapist for several months until I had to move to Ohio so that my mother in law could help me with my girls because the process was so intense I was struggling to take care of my girls. 

Miracles do happen. They happen when we put our faith - our deepest childlike faith in him and turn to him. I often refer to this time as my healing process because I didn't just decide I wanted to be healed. I set foot on a journey to find my healing. Everyone's journey will be different but the result can be the same - a complete healing - one that removes all scars left behind by those who have so deeply injured us. 

May you feel the comforting spirit of the Lord as you begin your own journey towards your healing.