Last night when I went to bed at whatever time it was, just after writing my post, I knew I would have to wake up and qualify or explain what I am trying to say.

Utah Mormons don't see their behavior. They are good people. They don't drink. They don't smoke. They go to church. They "love" their neighbor. All the boxes are checked.

But so many are completely without the spirit.

I can say that because they show up at my house to call me to repentance because I haven't been to church. I am told that God will withhold blessings if I do not attend.

Do you have a list of the specific 'blessings' that God will be withholding? I had no idea that so many individuals had so a close relationship to the Lord as to know when he would withhold blessings. I also didn't realize that church attendance determined my righteousness or loyalty to the Lord.

I am not saying that one should not go to church but I am saying that determining whether a person is not righteous or a good person because they don't go is wrong.

No one knows my personal relationship to God. No one knows anyone's relationship to God.

Too many Utah Mormons and probably some outside of Utah, have become, unfortunately, like the Pharisees and Sadducees. They know all the commandments. They know all the boxes that need to be checked but they don't know the Lord himself. They are too busy being righteous that they have forgotten to be spiritual.  

I believe my religion to be truth but my belief does not make me better than another human being.

Here in Utah it most certainly does.

A girl I am familiar with recently decided with her husband that they would take a break from church from the Mormon religion. They asked to not be bothered during this time. They took off their garments (Mormon undies) and with their children stopped going to church or having any part of it.

Her neighbors stopped talking to her. Her neighbors would no longer allow her children to play with their children. One neighbor told her that her and her children "wept"when they saw her wearing clothing that she would obviously not be able to wear with garments and that she knew that this woman and her children were lost forever.

Seriously people!! Calm down.

This story isn't about me. I haven't left my religion. This particular woman is a convert. She was more or less put under pressure to "join" our religion if she wanted to marry her husband (by her mother in law).

Basically it was join and then keep the rules if you want to be a part of our club.

My heart breaks for her not because she chose to leave but because this religion was used as a manipulation tool. She is being told that our father in heaven will no longer love her or "be" with her if she leaves.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!

Then you don't know God.

How could a loving father in heaven ever leave someone who has been left by the very people who have claimed to have loved her and know him? She was manipulated into joining a religion where his designs and intentions were used to show her how much she didn't know.

That is not God. He is not manipulative. He would have told her in laws to calm down. Love her. Teach her. Lead her. Gently, being filled with his eternal perspective that all things work themselves out. And in time when she had the opportunity to choose for herself maybe she would join.

Part of the Mormon beliefs is this incredible and beautiful understanding of where we come from, why we are here and where we are going. I believe because of this unique perspective it gives way for the adversary to flatter us. We are flattered into thinking because we have access to eternal principles that somehow we understand everything about life.

We know the beginning and the end. That's it. The rest of the time we are just trying to color in the lines like the rest of humanity. Our knowledge does not gives anything more than an understanding and hopefully some peace about the necessity of trials the opportunities to see the hand of the Lord in our lives and in the lives of others.

I stopped going to church because I could not endure another Sunday of what I call fluffy testimony. This trial I am enduring is literally taking every ounce of faith I have. One of my neighbors who is a wise woman put it into words for me: when I am enduring a trial I am more vulnerable spiritually and emotionally than I normally would be and church is not a place where I can be vulnerable.

Outside of Utah church is a retreat from the world for the most part. Church is a destination. You have to pack up your kids and for some people a lunch and even for some a change of clothing because it isn't just around the corner. During the week you are encompassed about with diversity in all its forms which give way to critical thinking, ultimately ending with the question each week and sometimes each day, do I really believe what I believe?

Here in Utah they walk 2 minutes to church. It has become a club of sorts. If you live in the neighbor and want to be a part of the club then you must walk that two minute walk every Sunday and participate. Look good. Check the boxes. Say the right words. Look the part.

We are flattered into thinking that we are making sacrifices, that we are doing some great deed by attending church regularly and going to the temple. The boxes have been checked but the mark has been missed.

It has become about us and not about the Savior.

One of the aspects of my religion that resonates truth for me is the ability to receive personal inspiration. I know that God can speak to me personally about my life. He can guide me in my very personal decisions.

I believe it is important to check our boxes when we can but I believe it is critical to my faith and my ability to get from one end of day to the other that I develop and maintain a very personal relationship with the Lord.

A person can go to church and never really know God. A person can quote scripture and never know God. A person can say the same prayer over and over and never know God.

Knowing God isn't quoting him. It's talking to him and sharing the honest thoughts, feelings and intents of our souls. It's a willingness to go where he says to go, a willingness to accept that we may never understand some things in this earthly life, and willingness to give up those things he asks to give up. It's understanding that ultimately he is trying to improve us so that we can become more like him.

In knowing God we have an opportunity to be his hands, to be the literal answer to someone else's prayer.

I had a neighbor stop by this past summer on a day in which I was convinced my heavenly father did not know me. My husband found him pacing up and down our sidewalk. He told Ray he knew he needed to come visit me but he didn't know why. He just couldn't shake the feeling but he didn't know what I needed.

I needed THAT. I needed to know on that very emotionally dreary day that God knew I existed. I don't frequently talk with this neighbor so it was obvious to me that the Lord was intent on helping me to know that he had not forgotten me.

Stop checking the boxes and start feeling the spirit. Definitely go to church. I would never discourage someone from going to church. But if you are going to go find the Lord in that building. Who cares what scriptures you know or what fancy answers you can give in Sunday school. Find someone to love. Find someone who that day whose needs the loving arms of their Savior wrapped around them through testimony. And ask God to show you your weaknesses so that you can become more useful to him.

Going to church is not a talent show. Being "righteous" won't earn you a gold star on your chart. It's all about opportunity. We get to fix the parts of us that are not aligned with God and we get to bear testimony of truths that keep us going in the dark hours of life.