One of the hardest things for me to understand, process or even accept in life was the insincere efforts made to comfort me. Maybe they could be called placating or patronizing. Whatever it was or is I hate.
Some of my least favorite sayings are: "everyone is doing their best" (lie) "we all go through hard times" (dismissal of accountability) "maybe she/he didn't mean it" (undermining of feelings) "no one is perfect" (rationalization).
As a child I would tell people what was happening in my home and I would always be fed one of these winners or something along those lines.
"Everyone is doing their best". This is a flat out lie. People are rarely doing their best. We do what is comfortable. Familiar. Very few humans are doing their best. Just think of where we would all be as a human race if people were truly doing their best.
We justify. We rationalize. We procrastinate. We avoid. We lie. We bury emotions and pretend to have others. But we are not doing our best.
Even as survivors. We are usually are not doing our best.
I look back to July of 1995 when I moved to St. George, Utah after graduating from high school. I was a mess. A child without parents. A girl who had only know abuse for the past 18 years. I was reactive, impulsive and irresponsible. I spent every dime I had with me almost immediately after landing in Las Vegas because for the first time in my life someone wasn't breathing over my shoulder telling me what I could or couldn't buy.
Now you may be thinking that I was doing my "best". No I wasn't. I was existing. I had no purpose except survival. I am not being harsh, honest. I was incapable of doing my best because I didn't have the self awareness necessary to even begin to understand what it means to be one's best. I manipulated, lied, rationalized and avoided responsibilities to get by in life.
Many years later when I was in the throws of therapy determined to overcome my past so as not to repeat it, trying to sort through the chaos, depression and nightmares - I was doing my best. I had a purpose. I had healthy motivations. I was emotionally aware of my strengths and my weaknesses. I was honest with myself when I avoided thinking about things. I was honest with myself in a very raw and very real way. It was messy, in that I needed help getting through each day because my depression was so bad, both medicinally and physically. But I was giving life literally everything I had. I wasn't destructive to myself or those around me. I was not abusive with words or actions either to myself or those around me. I was learning to set boundaries and to talk to myself in a way that was empowering and assertive.
"We all go through hard times." No. Not really.
Did your dad hold you at gunpoint multiple times in your life? Did he point it at you asking you to give him one reason why he shouldn't kill you and your entire family? Did he stalk you reminding you that he could kill you and no one know it? Were you a victim of child pornography? Were sexually abused by your father and then have your mother threaten to make you disappear if you told the police what had been going on? No? Okay. Then everyone doesn't go through hard times.
You have inconveniences. You have interruptions in your life. You have not gone through something hard.
This is where people get all defensive and worried that the validation they have given themselves all their life is being called into question. It is.
Because you have flattered yourself into thinking that your inconveniences validate the shortcuts in life you have taken.
Honesty with yourself is the most essential thing to emotional well being and health.
If your dad lost his job while you were young and you had to move or give up dance, that was an inconvenience.
Do you fear for your life? Do you fear your parents? Not fear like 'I am scared to ask them to borrow money' - but fear like do I dare go to bathroom with my mom right there in the living room because just waking her up could get me beaten. Do you wonder if tonight is the night your mom decides that you don't deserve dinner? Do you brace yourself when one of your parents walks either into your room or even through a room that you are in? And not the kind of brace yourself because they may have just found out that you lied about your grade in biology but brace yourself because just your breathing could set one of them off and which might lead to the police showing up...again.
This wasn't just my life. This is life for millions of children around the world. And worse actually. Some children have to worry about whether or not their mom or their dad will even come home for days at a time. Or they have to take care of them while the drugs wear off. Some children are raising their siblings because they don't have a mom or dad or one or more of their parents are in jail or worse, prison.
So when people use the over-generalization that we all go through hard times this is why I feel the way I do. We do not all go through hard times. We go through inconveniences and hiccups.
"Maybe he/she didn't me it." Hmmm. Really? My mom really didn't mean to tell me that I asked for the abuse from my father or my uncle? My father really didn't mean to try and choke me and my mom one day when I confronted him after he threw her across a room? My father didn't mean to scare me when he stood out front of my work staring at me when I knew I had not told him about my new job - 30 miles away from the last one?
What people are really saying with this question is that they really don't have the stomach or the courage to listen anymore to the very awful things that happening in someone's life so let's chalk it up to a misunderstanding. If you don't have the courage to help your friend overcome the very scary and very real things that are happening in their life then just be honest about that. Better yet. Fake it until you make. Pretend to have the courage so that you can help them get the help they need.
How many women are still in abusive marriages because they believe their friends who say these things? What people don't realize is that this is what victims are already saying to themselves. It is too much to comprehend and to be honest they don't want to believe it anymore than you do. Except one day their life may be on the line and what was done to help them?
In the chaos of abuse a survivor is literally surviving. There is no rational thought. None. It is defensive. It is all consuming. You may not see it because survivors are also some of the best actors. They don't know who to trust so they fake it. They don't want people to think it is their fault. They fear it actually. They fear no one believing them. They fear rejection. So often when they talk about the abuse you will only hear the stuff that is "safe" for you to hear. Stuff that is too often minimized by friends.
Your friend tells you how her husband "freaked" when she didn't get home "on time". You chime in with "oh yeah, my husband does that all the time, they just don't understand". Hahahaha. It gets laughed about and you both move on. Except that when that friend was talking about freaked she was talking about the fact that he verbally berated her telling her how worthless she was. He may have raped her to prove his control over her. He may have decided to take her debit and credit cards to also prove his control.
I am not saying that all conversations that go like that mean your friend is being abused. I am saying let's be better listeners and better communicators. The use of over-generalizations causes a handicap in our lives. I understand that with complete strangers it is just how we talk. I am not saying that we all have to have deep conversations with every person we come in contact with.
I am saying LISTEN. Listen to what is being said. Really said, not said for entertainment but listen between the lines. I believe all women need to have a sound understanding of the signs and symptoms of abuse and what to do if you think someone you love is being abused.
Stop using over-generalizations and oversimplifications to respond. Be aware of how you communicate with others. If you don't know what to say then say that, but reassure them that you want to help. There are too many people who are being abused by spouses and their parents. They need us. They need us to anchor them and support them and we do that with thoughtful and empowering communication.
If you are a victim of abuse. Seek help now. Do not use these generalizations on yourself. You know how bad it really is. You know how sad you are and you know deep down that it isn't your fault. The road to recovery and healing is not easy but you have what it takes to take care of yourself. You have the strength to take that first step to getting out. You are important. You are worth it. You've got this.
GO. FIGHT. WIN.
Some of my least favorite sayings are: "everyone is doing their best" (lie) "we all go through hard times" (dismissal of accountability) "maybe she/he didn't mean it" (undermining of feelings) "no one is perfect" (rationalization).
As a child I would tell people what was happening in my home and I would always be fed one of these winners or something along those lines.
"Everyone is doing their best". This is a flat out lie. People are rarely doing their best. We do what is comfortable. Familiar. Very few humans are doing their best. Just think of where we would all be as a human race if people were truly doing their best.
We justify. We rationalize. We procrastinate. We avoid. We lie. We bury emotions and pretend to have others. But we are not doing our best.
Even as survivors. We are usually are not doing our best.
I look back to July of 1995 when I moved to St. George, Utah after graduating from high school. I was a mess. A child without parents. A girl who had only know abuse for the past 18 years. I was reactive, impulsive and irresponsible. I spent every dime I had with me almost immediately after landing in Las Vegas because for the first time in my life someone wasn't breathing over my shoulder telling me what I could or couldn't buy.
Now you may be thinking that I was doing my "best". No I wasn't. I was existing. I had no purpose except survival. I am not being harsh, honest. I was incapable of doing my best because I didn't have the self awareness necessary to even begin to understand what it means to be one's best. I manipulated, lied, rationalized and avoided responsibilities to get by in life.
Many years later when I was in the throws of therapy determined to overcome my past so as not to repeat it, trying to sort through the chaos, depression and nightmares - I was doing my best. I had a purpose. I had healthy motivations. I was emotionally aware of my strengths and my weaknesses. I was honest with myself when I avoided thinking about things. I was honest with myself in a very raw and very real way. It was messy, in that I needed help getting through each day because my depression was so bad, both medicinally and physically. But I was giving life literally everything I had. I wasn't destructive to myself or those around me. I was not abusive with words or actions either to myself or those around me. I was learning to set boundaries and to talk to myself in a way that was empowering and assertive.
"We all go through hard times." No. Not really.
Did your dad hold you at gunpoint multiple times in your life? Did he point it at you asking you to give him one reason why he shouldn't kill you and your entire family? Did he stalk you reminding you that he could kill you and no one know it? Were you a victim of child pornography? Were sexually abused by your father and then have your mother threaten to make you disappear if you told the police what had been going on? No? Okay. Then everyone doesn't go through hard times.
You have inconveniences. You have interruptions in your life. You have not gone through something hard.
This is where people get all defensive and worried that the validation they have given themselves all their life is being called into question. It is.
Because you have flattered yourself into thinking that your inconveniences validate the shortcuts in life you have taken.
Honesty with yourself is the most essential thing to emotional well being and health.
If your dad lost his job while you were young and you had to move or give up dance, that was an inconvenience.
Do you fear for your life? Do you fear your parents? Not fear like 'I am scared to ask them to borrow money' - but fear like do I dare go to bathroom with my mom right there in the living room because just waking her up could get me beaten. Do you wonder if tonight is the night your mom decides that you don't deserve dinner? Do you brace yourself when one of your parents walks either into your room or even through a room that you are in? And not the kind of brace yourself because they may have just found out that you lied about your grade in biology but brace yourself because just your breathing could set one of them off and which might lead to the police showing up...again.
This wasn't just my life. This is life for millions of children around the world. And worse actually. Some children have to worry about whether or not their mom or their dad will even come home for days at a time. Or they have to take care of them while the drugs wear off. Some children are raising their siblings because they don't have a mom or dad or one or more of their parents are in jail or worse, prison.
So when people use the over-generalization that we all go through hard times this is why I feel the way I do. We do not all go through hard times. We go through inconveniences and hiccups.
"Maybe he/she didn't me it." Hmmm. Really? My mom really didn't mean to tell me that I asked for the abuse from my father or my uncle? My father really didn't mean to try and choke me and my mom one day when I confronted him after he threw her across a room? My father didn't mean to scare me when he stood out front of my work staring at me when I knew I had not told him about my new job - 30 miles away from the last one?
What people are really saying with this question is that they really don't have the stomach or the courage to listen anymore to the very awful things that happening in someone's life so let's chalk it up to a misunderstanding. If you don't have the courage to help your friend overcome the very scary and very real things that are happening in their life then just be honest about that. Better yet. Fake it until you make. Pretend to have the courage so that you can help them get the help they need.
How many women are still in abusive marriages because they believe their friends who say these things? What people don't realize is that this is what victims are already saying to themselves. It is too much to comprehend and to be honest they don't want to believe it anymore than you do. Except one day their life may be on the line and what was done to help them?
In the chaos of abuse a survivor is literally surviving. There is no rational thought. None. It is defensive. It is all consuming. You may not see it because survivors are also some of the best actors. They don't know who to trust so they fake it. They don't want people to think it is their fault. They fear it actually. They fear no one believing them. They fear rejection. So often when they talk about the abuse you will only hear the stuff that is "safe" for you to hear. Stuff that is too often minimized by friends.
Your friend tells you how her husband "freaked" when she didn't get home "on time". You chime in with "oh yeah, my husband does that all the time, they just don't understand". Hahahaha. It gets laughed about and you both move on. Except that when that friend was talking about freaked she was talking about the fact that he verbally berated her telling her how worthless she was. He may have raped her to prove his control over her. He may have decided to take her debit and credit cards to also prove his control.
I am not saying that all conversations that go like that mean your friend is being abused. I am saying let's be better listeners and better communicators. The use of over-generalizations causes a handicap in our lives. I understand that with complete strangers it is just how we talk. I am not saying that we all have to have deep conversations with every person we come in contact with.
I am saying LISTEN. Listen to what is being said. Really said, not said for entertainment but listen between the lines. I believe all women need to have a sound understanding of the signs and symptoms of abuse and what to do if you think someone you love is being abused.
Stop using over-generalizations and oversimplifications to respond. Be aware of how you communicate with others. If you don't know what to say then say that, but reassure them that you want to help. There are too many people who are being abused by spouses and their parents. They need us. They need us to anchor them and support them and we do that with thoughtful and empowering communication.
If you are a victim of abuse. Seek help now. Do not use these generalizations on yourself. You know how bad it really is. You know how sad you are and you know deep down that it isn't your fault. The road to recovery and healing is not easy but you have what it takes to take care of yourself. You have the strength to take that first step to getting out. You are important. You are worth it. You've got this.
GO. FIGHT. WIN.
Abuse is hidden so many different ways, you don't even realize it is a part of your life when it is part of your daily routine. Thank you for shedding light on this! You will help so many!!!!!!
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