If you know me, you know I love therapy and self help books. I love change. I love the challenge of change. So it will be no surprise that when my son was 9 and decided to take on lying and bullying I took him to therapy.
The reason I love therapy is because they take what you say and turn it right back around to you for you to think about and to answer. It is called reflective listening. It forces you to critically think about yourself, your life and what you really want.
Therapy is hard.
Most people avoid therapy because it is hard. But aren't the hard things in life worth the work and the reward?
We had only been in Utah for a little over a year so I was nervous about trying to find a good therapist sooner than later. Literally the first person we went to was a perfect fit. I'm not even going to take credit, it was the Lord.
I approach therapy very seriously because I want to get the most out of it I can in the short amount of time we get, so I wrote down the behaviors that I was concerned about, what we were trying to do about them and my goals for our son and us.
In our first session the Dr. visited with me first. I shared with him my notes - he chuckled when he saw me bring out my notebook and remarked "so I see you are not new to this".
I talked with him about my concerns and he looks right at me and says "you are being too nice".
Um.
Me. Too nice. I have you met me? That is not something people typically say about me.
He explained to me that my son developed emotionally and mentally different than my daughters.
Right. I thought I understood this, apparently not.
He went on to tell me that I was explaining too much, I was talking too much, I was being too emotional too lineate, I was trying to appeal to his emotions and that it wasn't working and would not work. He explained that there needed to be strict defined boundaries and expectations with strict defined consequences when those expectations were not met or the boundaries were crossed.
I sat there silent for a minute. Or two.
That's it. Set boundaries. Set expectations. Set consequences and enforce them when needed. It sounded too easy.
Oh. And he told me to stop putting him in his room. He said to put him in the bathroom because it's boring and also he can use it if he needs to and there is water.
So in that session he helped me outline our rules, our expectations of our son. I determined that it would be that he, my son, will not bully his sisters or lie and the result of breaking those rules would be sitting in the bathroom for a determined amount of time. If he opened the door, yelled out, kicked the wall, etc more time would be added.
I know it sounds so simple. And really setting boundaries and expectations are simple. It's the follow through that gets hard, because you must sacrifice time and other wants and even needs to enforce consequences.
The first day with our new frequent, immediate and meaningful consequences the dude sat in the bathroom for hours!! HOURS!!! He kept yelling out how he hated us, that we were stupid, he wasn't going to stay in there, he kicked the wall, threw stuff and every. single. time. his time was about up he opened the door.
I never doubted the process. I had experience with my oldest and the need for consistency, but it was different. Asperger kids will hold you hostage to their needs, their emotions, their anxieties and fears. I had learned through reading LOTS of books, how to set boundaries and expectations with her and to teach her how to manage her own anxiety and fears. I was helping her manager herself, she wasn't a kid making wrong choices, she just needed to learn how to not throw a tantrum just because she didn't like something; food, clothing, sounds, voices and so on.
I never doubted my abilities.
I felt sad. I felt like I had failed him. I felt like I had missed something.
But after a short pity party I reminded myself that you don't know what you don't know, but now that I did know I had to put it into practice.
So we endured. We reinforced. That first month was really hard. The more we reinforced the more he pushed. The firmer we held those boundaries the more he challenged them. He was always in the bathroom. Always. He lied about everything, and he was mean. So he sat in there.
He missed Halloween that year, as in didn't dress up, didn't get candy, nada, because he told one of his sisters "too bad your so ugly you need makeup". He served his time in the bathroom. Wrote his apology letter and gratitude letter. And we took Halloween away from him.
He had said that to her on the day of Halloween. There was no way I was going to let him say something that cruel and then go out and have fun.
I don't know if I would have had the courage to take the stand I did with him if I hadn't talked to our therapist. If I had not sought counsel from someone who understands children's brain development more than me, if I had not been willing to be uncomfortable and willing to change I would have continued being too nice and my son would have continued to get worse. If I had not been willing to learn and acknowledge that maybe I don't know it all, I would not have learned how to help my son become a better person.
For the next several months we continued therapy. Every two weeks. I went in for a good pep talk and to learn more about brain development and how to set realistic expectations, reinforce boundaries and follow through on consequences. My son went in to be told by the Dr. to obey his mother. He didn't coddle him. He just flat out said "Raymond, obey your mother and you father." He did ask how he was doing - he wasn't cold, but he was very matter of fact about the need for my son to obey.
As with all things that I do in my life. (Seriously. People always like to tell me how wrong I am. *eye roll.) People told me that lying is normal and kids can be mean but they grow out of it.
*side eye...they grow out of it....how...if there is no correction? If there is no limitations set on behaviors then how exactly does a child grow out of being mean or lying? If there is no catalyst there is no change. And why are we so quick to accept lying? Why is this not alarming to you?
I am not so naive to think that he was my only child to lie. He was my only child that believed his own lies and would die before telling the truth. I could see him do something and then say "dude let's not do that" and he would look at me and say "I didn't". Even though I saw him. Even though he knew I saw him he would lie. And then when confronted he would become angry and borderline violent. Maybe it is "normal" but it is not behavior I want rewarded, exemplified or allowed to continue. I was not willing to sacrifice his future, temporally, spiritually or emotionally because society was trying to tell me it would be okay. I didn't want a liar for a son. I didn't want a bully for a son.
My reason for sharing this is because this is the bottom of the iceberg of the cell phone toxicity epidemic. It's not the phones. It's us the parents.
I know, I said that yesterday too. It needs to be said everyday.
When a society begins to dismiss the seemingly smallest of moral errors as normal we then begin to see the decay of the soul. When lying is accepted as something that just happens do you really think your child can handle the world wide web? the peer pressures of school, social media and apps? When my son's cruel words against others is dismissed as a child who just needs a hug why are we surprised by the hateful and disgusting things kids say through texting and apps?
In an effort to coddle, and appeal to the "likes" of our children we have removed our opinions, our thoughts, our boundaries and filled our child's minds with a false sense of acceptance and validation.
I'm not sure which came first, a parents own insecurities or the lack of willingness to do the hard things in life. I don't think it really matters. If we want to save our children we have to do more than just want. We must do. We must do the hard things. We must begin to ask the really hard questions of ourselves and them. Then set in motion the actions necessary to save our children. Are we intentionally parenting? Are we parenting to raise a generation of productive, intentional, spiritual and useful human beings? Or are we just existing from one fun, memorable, likable, tweetable, easy moment to the next?
I love what Collin Kartchner is preaching and teaching and bringing awareness too. The work is up to us though. He's not going to save your kid. You do that. We do that.
No sacrifice no victory.
The reason I love therapy is because they take what you say and turn it right back around to you for you to think about and to answer. It is called reflective listening. It forces you to critically think about yourself, your life and what you really want.
Therapy is hard.
Most people avoid therapy because it is hard. But aren't the hard things in life worth the work and the reward?
We had only been in Utah for a little over a year so I was nervous about trying to find a good therapist sooner than later. Literally the first person we went to was a perfect fit. I'm not even going to take credit, it was the Lord.
I approach therapy very seriously because I want to get the most out of it I can in the short amount of time we get, so I wrote down the behaviors that I was concerned about, what we were trying to do about them and my goals for our son and us.
In our first session the Dr. visited with me first. I shared with him my notes - he chuckled when he saw me bring out my notebook and remarked "so I see you are not new to this".
I talked with him about my concerns and he looks right at me and says "you are being too nice".
Um.
Me. Too nice. I have you met me? That is not something people typically say about me.
He explained to me that my son developed emotionally and mentally different than my daughters.
Right. I thought I understood this, apparently not.
He went on to tell me that I was explaining too much, I was talking too much, I was being too emotional too lineate, I was trying to appeal to his emotions and that it wasn't working and would not work. He explained that there needed to be strict defined boundaries and expectations with strict defined consequences when those expectations were not met or the boundaries were crossed.
I sat there silent for a minute. Or two.
That's it. Set boundaries. Set expectations. Set consequences and enforce them when needed. It sounded too easy.
Oh. And he told me to stop putting him in his room. He said to put him in the bathroom because it's boring and also he can use it if he needs to and there is water.
So in that session he helped me outline our rules, our expectations of our son. I determined that it would be that he, my son, will not bully his sisters or lie and the result of breaking those rules would be sitting in the bathroom for a determined amount of time. If he opened the door, yelled out, kicked the wall, etc more time would be added.
I know it sounds so simple. And really setting boundaries and expectations are simple. It's the follow through that gets hard, because you must sacrifice time and other wants and even needs to enforce consequences.
The first day with our new frequent, immediate and meaningful consequences the dude sat in the bathroom for hours!! HOURS!!! He kept yelling out how he hated us, that we were stupid, he wasn't going to stay in there, he kicked the wall, threw stuff and every. single. time. his time was about up he opened the door.
I never doubted the process. I had experience with my oldest and the need for consistency, but it was different. Asperger kids will hold you hostage to their needs, their emotions, their anxieties and fears. I had learned through reading LOTS of books, how to set boundaries and expectations with her and to teach her how to manage her own anxiety and fears. I was helping her manager herself, she wasn't a kid making wrong choices, she just needed to learn how to not throw a tantrum just because she didn't like something; food, clothing, sounds, voices and so on.
I never doubted my abilities.
I felt sad. I felt like I had failed him. I felt like I had missed something.
But after a short pity party I reminded myself that you don't know what you don't know, but now that I did know I had to put it into practice.
So we endured. We reinforced. That first month was really hard. The more we reinforced the more he pushed. The firmer we held those boundaries the more he challenged them. He was always in the bathroom. Always. He lied about everything, and he was mean. So he sat in there.
He missed Halloween that year, as in didn't dress up, didn't get candy, nada, because he told one of his sisters "too bad your so ugly you need makeup". He served his time in the bathroom. Wrote his apology letter and gratitude letter. And we took Halloween away from him.
He had said that to her on the day of Halloween. There was no way I was going to let him say something that cruel and then go out and have fun.
I don't know if I would have had the courage to take the stand I did with him if I hadn't talked to our therapist. If I had not sought counsel from someone who understands children's brain development more than me, if I had not been willing to be uncomfortable and willing to change I would have continued being too nice and my son would have continued to get worse. If I had not been willing to learn and acknowledge that maybe I don't know it all, I would not have learned how to help my son become a better person.
For the next several months we continued therapy. Every two weeks. I went in for a good pep talk and to learn more about brain development and how to set realistic expectations, reinforce boundaries and follow through on consequences. My son went in to be told by the Dr. to obey his mother. He didn't coddle him. He just flat out said "Raymond, obey your mother and you father." He did ask how he was doing - he wasn't cold, but he was very matter of fact about the need for my son to obey.
As with all things that I do in my life. (Seriously. People always like to tell me how wrong I am. *eye roll.) People told me that lying is normal and kids can be mean but they grow out of it.
*side eye...they grow out of it....how...if there is no correction? If there is no limitations set on behaviors then how exactly does a child grow out of being mean or lying? If there is no catalyst there is no change. And why are we so quick to accept lying? Why is this not alarming to you?
I am not so naive to think that he was my only child to lie. He was my only child that believed his own lies and would die before telling the truth. I could see him do something and then say "dude let's not do that" and he would look at me and say "I didn't". Even though I saw him. Even though he knew I saw him he would lie. And then when confronted he would become angry and borderline violent. Maybe it is "normal" but it is not behavior I want rewarded, exemplified or allowed to continue. I was not willing to sacrifice his future, temporally, spiritually or emotionally because society was trying to tell me it would be okay. I didn't want a liar for a son. I didn't want a bully for a son.
My reason for sharing this is because this is the bottom of the iceberg of the cell phone toxicity epidemic. It's not the phones. It's us the parents.
I know, I said that yesterday too. It needs to be said everyday.
When a society begins to dismiss the seemingly smallest of moral errors as normal we then begin to see the decay of the soul. When lying is accepted as something that just happens do you really think your child can handle the world wide web? the peer pressures of school, social media and apps? When my son's cruel words against others is dismissed as a child who just needs a hug why are we surprised by the hateful and disgusting things kids say through texting and apps?
In an effort to coddle, and appeal to the "likes" of our children we have removed our opinions, our thoughts, our boundaries and filled our child's minds with a false sense of acceptance and validation.
I'm not sure which came first, a parents own insecurities or the lack of willingness to do the hard things in life. I don't think it really matters. If we want to save our children we have to do more than just want. We must do. We must do the hard things. We must begin to ask the really hard questions of ourselves and them. Then set in motion the actions necessary to save our children. Are we intentionally parenting? Are we parenting to raise a generation of productive, intentional, spiritual and useful human beings? Or are we just existing from one fun, memorable, likable, tweetable, easy moment to the next?
I love what Collin Kartchner is preaching and teaching and bringing awareness too. The work is up to us though. He's not going to save your kid. You do that. We do that.
No sacrifice no victory.
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