Full Contact Life

For the better part of our marriage we did not do well financially. At one point Ray went years without a steady - good income providing - job except for his military employment. We have never been on government assistance but we have had to have a lot of help from our church community.  During these past few years we have been doing really well. We haven't wanted for anything and we have been able to live a very comfortable life.  My husband works for a consulting company in sales. This past spring he lost two clients. Not by any fault of his it is just how sales work. We knew that we would make less money but we had hopes that business would pick back up.  Well it hasn't.  We aren't poor by any means, we just don't make the same that we were. These past couple of months we have felt the pinch and have realized that somethings will have to go.  Now we could force it to work. We could live paycheck to paycheck and barely scrape by or we coul...

Two stories - both happened in the same year. Ansli was born 6 weeks early in January of 2011. She would spend a month in NICU, and for two of those weeks Ray was gone for some military something or other in preparation for his deployment. A couple of days after he got home Ansli was able to come home on an apnea monitor and oxygen. Two weeks later Ray would leave again for another school or training for the Army but this time he would be gone for a month. During that time Ansli contracted RSV (that's a story all its own) and would have to be admitted to the hospital. The neighborhood where we lived was already a dramatic fire storm, but for some reason during this time most of it was aimed at me. As I sat in the hospital my ecclesiastical leader (Bishop) called me to tell me that I was burden to the congregation (ward/neighborhood) and that they would be unable to help me now or and when my husband was officially deployed. Just before that a neighbor who I considered to be a f...

I don't remember what I said exactly but I do remember what she said and it infuriated me. She flat out told me that I was like my mother and I was enraged. Not mad or upset - FURIOUS. I wasn't like my mother and I never would be. I marched out of her office and started home - in my flip flops - in the rain - east coast rain. Never mind that home was 10 plus miles away and I was supposed to wait for my husband to pick me up. I was so angry I had to move - I had to get away from her as fast as I possibly could. If the rocks would not have hurt so bad on the bottoms of my feet then I would have run. Ray eventually found me walking down the highway - because when you are as mad as I was you don't stop to think about your safety - I swore I would never go back. I'm talking about my therapist. One of my favorites actually. I have three that I loved, and still do. And I loved them for the very reason that I hated Dr. Moretz that day. They told me the truth. You don...

I want to talk about the word "need" and how it used with regards to our relationships.  I have been working on and through my relationship between my mother and I - if we are being honest 40+ years - but through therapy and in actual emotional health application for 17 years. Often my motivator in establishing contact with my mom was because I felt like I needed to or I felt like I wanted my children to have this relationship with her. Once I was recognized that she was too toxic to continue my attempts I not only removed myself but I have kept my children away from her as well.  The thing about not having a relationship with a toxic person is if it's not good enough for us then why is it good enough for our children. And by good enough I  mean we recognize that there is zero reason or emotional benefit to continuing a relationship with a particular person or persons. Let's talk about the word 'need' specifically. We need food. We need water. We need...

One of the hardest things for me to understand, process or even accept in life was the insincere efforts made to comfort me. Maybe they could be called placating or patronizing. Whatever it was or is I hate. Some of my least favorite sayings are: "everyone is doing their best" (lie) "we all go through hard times" (dismissal of accountability) "maybe she/he didn't mean it" (undermining of feelings) "no one is perfect" (rationalization). As a child I would tell people what was happening in my home and I would always be fed one of these winners or something along those lines. "Everyone is doing their best". This is a flat out lie. People are rarely doing their best. We do what is comfortable. Familiar. Very few humans are doing their best. Just think of where we would all be as a human race if people were truly doing their best. We justify. We rationalize. We procrastinate. We avoid. We lie. We bury emotions and pretend to have...

Writing is a spiritual thing for me. If it doesn't flow from my head to my hands and I feel myself forcing it then I know it is not what I need to be writing. I have started writing one thing three different times. It's not flowing. It's a good story and it is one that I will tell soon enough. For now though there is a more pressing thought that keeps coming to my mind. How do you know that you are in an abusive relationship? I always knew as a child that my mother did not love me. I always knew that the things she did were wrong. But her abuse still affected me because I was a child. I tried to please her and I would look at her for validation. I was eager to please actually, despite her inability to reassure or love me. When I was 11 years old I was taken to a psychologist for the first time because I had "acted out" my aggression. I rearranged my piano teacher's house. Literally. My sister and I went to piano together and I would wait while she in...

Dear You, It's good to have you back. I am excited to share with you. I am hopeful that the things I have experienced and the things I have learned will be of some benefit to you or someone you know. As I have shared in my earlier post, I have been through alot and I have learned a lot. And I recognize that we are all in this together. I recognize that I did not travail my road alone. I am a believer of God and I believe that he strategically placed people along my path that he knew would offer the exact support, validation, empowerment and sometimes just the right amount of 'humble pie' I needed. I often talk to my kids about their "why". We all have a "why" about the things we do. Some are just more productive "why's" than others. What is your "why"? Why do you want to read my blog? What are you hoping to gain? Education? Validation? Empowerment? Distraction? Despite my intentions with each post I write you will on...

Who I am. First and foremost I am a Texan. I know I already said that in an earlier post but saying it again is always fun. Second I am a wife to an American Soldier, my best friend and the love of my life. Third I am mother to 8 beautiful children. All planned. All wanted. All loved. Fourth I am a homeschooler. Yes I homeschool all of them. The reason I have chosen to write and publish a blog is because of what I experienced as a child, teenager, young adult and adult. I am a survivor of child pornagraphy. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. There were two perpetrators and both were family members - my dad and my uncle (my mom's brother). I am survivor of child abuse - emotional, physical and mental. I am a survivor of a stalker - my own father. I am a survivor of a narcissistic mother. And now I have become a warrior ;) I won't go into the details of anything aforementioned because it is what I will be writing about. Like I said before I will probably be using stor...

Dear You, Thank you for reading my blog. I must confess I am really new to this blog thing, so forgive me for not having a fancy background and other internet fancy like things. I am sure you will miss the pop up ads that will not be coming up on my blog ;) I write. But I usually write to think and to process my emotions. I tell stories when I write because I am originally from Longview Texas and we are storytellers. Front porch storytellers. I found out this morning that a gal from Texas that I have never personally met read my blog and connected with what I wrote. I am still processing my feelings about that. I never expected it to reach more than the five people who read anything I post on Facebox (my affectionate term for what we all know it really is). Yesterday morning I woke up earlier than I ever do. I quite literally felt a fire burning within me. What I wrote about my mom isn't new, but yesterday I shared it for the first time. Publicly. I know I am not alone in...

Relationships are something I take very seriously. Mostly because I have had so many bad relationships, not just with family, but with friends and neighbors as well. I spent so many years feeling insecure, being insecure, and feeling like I was responsible for the happiness of others that more than once I considered ending my life. I didn’t know for so long that I mattered and that I could expect to be loved.  My mother lives four tenths of a mile from my house. We have not seen her in well over a year.  Nothing. Nada. Why? Because I would not continue to pay for her cellphone - which we had already been paying for - for four years, and because I wouldn't financially subsidize her life.  When we moved from Tennessee to Utah in 2012 I felt impressed to reestablish communication with my mom. I hadn't talked to her in years. Did you read that right? I - me - I had not talked to her in years. That is how my mom works. You call her. She doesn't call you, unless she needs...