I want to talk about the word "need" and how it used with regards to our relationships. 

I have been working on and through my relationship between my mother and I - if we are being honest 40+ years - but through therapy and in actual emotional health application for 17 years. Often my motivator in establishing contact with my mom was because I felt like I needed to or I felt like I wanted my children to have this relationship with her. Once I was recognized that she was too toxic to continue my attempts I not only removed myself but I have kept my children away from her as well. 

The thing about not having a relationship with a toxic person is if it's not good enough for us then why is it good enough for our children. And by good enough I  mean we recognize that there is zero reason or emotional benefit to continuing a relationship with a particular person or persons.

Let's talk about the word 'need' specifically. We need food. We need water. We need shelter and clothing but we don't 'need' another person. If you are a religious person as I am then the only person we actually need is our Savior Jesus Christ. When we decide that we 'need' another human being we relinquish emotional control and accountability to someone else. We quite literally put the responsibility of our future, our happiness, our emotions and so many other things in the hands of another person. An imperfect person at that. 

People have said to me how my children need a grandmother or how they need their grandparents. These people are toxic and not good for me so how could they be of any benefit to my children?

I had dysfunctional grandparents. I had parents who continued inviting them over or going over to their homes so that my siblings and I could be around them. The thing is I always knew there was something wrong with my grandparents and the relationship between them and my parents. I knew that they didn't like my parents. I knew that really they didn't like me and I fell into the same dysfunctional emotional coping mechanisms with my grandparents as I did it with my parents. I tried to please my grandparents because I wanted them to like me. They manipulated us emotionally and played my siblings and I against each other, and us against our parents. 

Our ideologies about what a family "should" or "shouldn't" look like is what can ultimately be emotionally detrimental to us and our children. We have a fairytale ideal of how children need a relationship with their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. 

I am also an advocate against the words should and shouldn't. They are heavy with emotional obligation and guilt. I make a sincere effort to never use the words and instead replace them with less guilty words and which also involves more emotional honesty. Watch how often you use that word and then try and change it up. For example "I should have left earlier to pick up the kids now I am late" - "I could have better prepared and left early to pick up the kids" - "I chose to finish what I was doing so I didn't leave early enough to pick up the kids and now I am late." ---- "You should let your mom visit the kids." - "I would like for you to consider letting your mom visit the kids." - "I would really like for you to allow your mom visit the kids". 

So back to the 'need' word. 

Relationships ARE essential. We do 'need' healthy relationships. We DO NOT need to have a relationship with every person we come in contact with or share a common interest with. 

My children DO NOT need to have a relationship with a woman who I know is a toxic person. Children are incapable of navigating that very tricky road of interpersonal relationships and it is up to me to be very picky about who they are around and influenced by. 

I have been told by some women that I shelter my children. Yes. Yes I do. I am very picky about who they interact with and spend time with because I know all too well the very real and lasting negative implications that can come from having unhealthy relationships. 

One woman felt the need to call me out because I refused my daughters interaction with a girl who lives in an extremely physically and sexually abusive home. Her opinion was that this girl "needed" the emotional strength that she felt my daughter could offer.

First and probably most importantly - my daughter is not a therapist. At the time this woman approached me my daughter was 15. 

Maybe at first she would have some strength to offer but after awhile she would have unnecessarily begun to carry this young girl's emotional load for her. She can not comprehend what this other girl is going through. As a teenager she is just in the beginning stages of forming her own identity and figuring out who she is outside of her father and I. To allow her an intimate relationship with this other girl would be confusing and depressing, to say the least. Life is hard enough as a teenager, they do not need to be involved in such heavy issues. 

Our children don't "need" to be friends with every person that walks the face of the planet. Our children don't "need" to have a relationship with our parents if we find that the same relationship for us is so detrimental. 

People more than once have expressed concern about the number of friends my children have. In fact one person told my now 14 year old that friends are important and it is important to have lots of friends. Nope. Nope. Nope. Relationships are important. Friends are really nice to have. This particular daughter very much wants to have friends. I started noticing a trend a little over a year ago though. She would text or call and invite them over frequently but I started noticing that the invitations were not being reciprocated. And not just reciprocated, flat out not invited, and there was some teenage drama happening between some girls here in the neighborhood. The girls liked her to her face when they were one on one but when these girls got together suddenly no one liked Alora. 

I took the opportunity to teach my daughter a very, very important lesson. A relationship goes both ways. She had been kind in trying to invite people over. These girls were not showing the same kindness. I talked to her about confronting them - in a kind but honest and forthright way. I shared with her that she needed to explain to them what she had noticed was happening and to ask them quite frankly why were they behaving this way and had she done something that she was unaware of. She spoke to them individually. Afterwards Alora felt like things had improved. 

Then one evening one of the girls invited all the girls over to her house and just as Alora was walking over the girl sent a text specifically to her saying that there was someone there who had decided that if Alora was going to be there then she would leave. So this "friend" asked Alora not to come so the other friend would stay. 

Another great opportunity revealed itself. I asked Alora how it made her feel. I asked her if this is how she wanted to allow people to treat her. Do you want friends that ask you not to come because someone else doesn't want you there or friends that are willing to stand up for you? 

The answer was no. A tearful agonizing no. She wondered if it would be helpful if she just went over there and talked to all of them. Maybe she hadn't communicated properly, maybe she was doing something wrong. I shared with her that it will never be easy to walk away from people you genuinely like, but once you realize that you are not important to them, that your feelings don't matter to them it's time to walk away. 

She went quite sometime without friends after that - which opened up another great teaching opportunity. What do we do without friends? Also what do we do when we feel like we are willing to return to unhealthy relationships because we long for one? 

These questions are real life questions. Learning how to answer these questions is what helps us prepare our children for what adult life really is. There are times in our lives when we are alone. There are times when for the sake our emotional health we do have to walk away from one or more friends or family members. By teaching our children healthy emotional habits at a young age. We prepare them and enable them to make healthy emotional relationship decisions in their adult life. 

Our children NEED us to set a very high standard for emotionally healthy relationships. They need us to help them navigate their relationships and friendships so that they are prepared for their adult life. They need us to have the courage to walk away, take an objective look and then decide how to proceed. They need us to be bold enough to remove unhealthy friends and family members so that their emotional foundation is sure. 

I choose to have a relationship with people who empower, encourage and inspire me. Yes relationships are vital to our existence, but their vitality comes from the benefit of them. When we as parents foster an emotionally healthy relationship with our children and teach them how to foster their own emotionally healthy relationships we quite literally can change the world.