Relationships are something I take very seriously. Mostly because I have had so many bad relationships, not just with family, but with friends and neighbors as well. I spent so many years feeling insecure, being insecure, and feeling like I was responsible for the happiness of others that more than once I considered ending my life. I didn’t know for so long that I mattered and that I could expect to be loved.
My mother lives four tenths of a mile from my house. We have not seen her in well over a year.
Nothing. Nada. Why? Because I would not continue to pay for her cellphone - which we had already been paying for - for four years, and because I wouldn't financially subsidize her life.
When we moved from Tennessee to Utah in 2012 I felt impressed to reestablish communication with my mom. I hadn't talked to her in years. Did you read that right? I - me - I had not talked to her in years. That is how my mom works. You call her. She doesn't call you, unless she needs an opportunity to manipulate you. So because I had not reached out we did not talk.
I had resolved within myself that I would give our relationship my best efforts. I would rise above the chaos and negativity and I would give it my best. We invited her to things. We made cards for her birthday and mother's day. We would stop by.
At the time we lived 40 minutes away from her. We would invite her to our house often, to which she would always provide an excuse, "My car can't go that far." "I'm just so tired", "I don't enough gas." Her car could go that far. And I knew she had enough gas. What it came down to was that to come to my house would be to relinquish control. She would invite us to her house as an option and we would go occasionally. But I hated taking my kids because she was mean. And they hated going.
I would encourage them to be patient with Grandma because she didn't have a good mom so being kind didn't come naturally. But they saw past that. Grandmas are not supposed to be mean.
She wasn't overtly mean. It was things like telling them at 10 years old that if they got second helpings at meals they would get fat. Said in a sing-songy voice of course because I guess that covers up the negativity. Or refusing them water because she thought they had enough. And constantly telling them to be quiet and to sit down (a practice from childhood - noise was forbidden) Or saying "no one wants to see you do gymnastics" to a child who wanted to show her a new skill she had learned.
I am sure those of you who know my mom right now are thinking that this is all a lie. Judy! NO! She is so kind - so giving. Yeah. For your eyes only, she is the best at making you see what she wants you to see. I don't share this stuff to destroy my mother. I share it because it is real and I am not the only one with a dysfunctional family. If I do not share my experiences and how I have overcome the guilt and shame then I feel I have wasted what I have learned.
I am not going to lie. It hurt having a relationship with my mother during this time. When I had Annie (baby number 7) she did stop by the hospital but that was it. She didn't come up to help with the kids. In fact she did nothing. And when I resurfaced after a few months I reached out to her again. Why? Because I was going to give it my best right? I was going to be patient with her weaknesses.
I am not really sure what parts of the universe led us to live up the road from my mom in 2013, but the house that worked best for us ended up being a stones throw away. I am grateful for it though because it is an incredible lesson in relationships for me and my children.
When we moved here we invited, called, stopped by and made every effort to include and to help my mom feel wanted and loved. Remember I was determined to rise above all the negativity. But nothing happened. She didn't come to soccer games. She didn't come to watch Alora compete or Aspen ride. She didn't come to support any of the kids at any point. There was always an excuse and I was always made to feel like if I would have told her sooner, offered to take her or somehow predict what her needs were - then she could have made it. Always it was my fault. Didn't I know she was tired? Didn't I remember she had this or that? Gosh what a crappy daughter I was, not anticipating her needs - and reading her mind.
In 2015 my mom quit her job. Her very well paying and insurance providing job. Quit. The job she had had for 14 years she just quit. She didn't have another job to go to. She said that she was being bullied and that it was just not somewhere she could work anymore.
Shortly after quitting she says to me "Andraé I always knew I could count on you, that you and Ray would take care of me"
I laughed. Out loud. Really? Nope. Because my entire life she always told my sister that she knew she was the only one who really loved her and that she would take care of her.
The walls went up and I moved forward with the greatest degree of caution, I knew where this was going and that comment confirmed to me what my gut had been telling me. She quit because she saw how well Ray was doing. You may think that is just plain mean of me to say. But it is truth. My mother would absolutely use me. Because she is incapable of loving me. She is and always will be the victim. She chooses it.
As that year would progress she would text me (gasp!!) (dead give away that her intentions were selfish) and ask if I wanted to go to JoAnn's or Hobby Lobby. I knew she was up to something but I accepted the invite. Then after going to the store she would say "Oh I am so hungry - how about Costa Vida?" Okay. We would get there and she would not have enough money - or would have forgotten her wallet or her debit card. "Oh Draé can you pay for this and I will pay you back?" Classic Judy. We pay for stuff with promises of being refunded only when we go back for said money it is thrown in our face everything she thinks she has ever done for us and we are told how selfish we are for even thinking she owed us money. I never did ask for my money back because I am not a total loser - I get it - she wanted to eat out. I only payed once though because I knew I was being used.
This behavior continued for several months. She would invite me to stop by so she could show me something only to make passive-aggressive remarks about how hungry she was but she will be okay and how she didn't have food but she has starved before. Yeah. Get a job. Or she would make remarks about how she had no idea how she was going to pay her rent or her utilities, followed up with how she has always survived even if no one was willing to help her. I often replied. "Mom, this must be a really difficult time for you being unemployed. We would love to help you get your resume ready and Ray does work in staffing so he would love to reach out to some people about job opportunities."
One day on his way home Ray stopped by and sat down with her, took detailed notes about her current and previous work history and crafted a strong resume to help her in her job search. He also made sure her computer was set up, internet worked and that she could successfully apply for jobs online. He also started reaching out to his network to see if he could help move her job search along. And he paid a significant amount of money to have her make a couple quilts in hopes that it would help her feel productive and to help her “earn” money to pay her bills. More than once he would drop off Dr Pepper (her version of heavenly nectar) and Cheetos (mana from above to my mom) on her doorstep to be kind and let her know we were thinking about her. He was with me every step of the way trying to be a force for good in her life, being supportive and trying to help her.
Her reply to my offers of help was ALWAYS, "I don't need your help if it is too much of an inconvenience to help buy your mother groceries (or help pay utilities) while she is scraping by then fine. Don't let me be an inconvenience. I wouldn't want you to have to sacrifice for me - your mother."
Funny thing is, she never talked like that to Ray. And she never will. It’s not how she works. She is only mean to her family. To everyone else she is just a self-sacrificing woman who has given everything to the improvement of life for others without expecting anything in return.
My reply always was a reaffirmation of what was already said, "We would love to help by helping you secure employment which will be a permanent solution instead of a band aid."
Don't worry. My mother never went hungry. She got her bills paid. She wasn't destitute she just didn't want to be responsible. It just meant using the money she had to pay bills instead of buying fabric and Dr. Pepper.
That year I was never more grateful for all those hundreds of hours of therapy. I knew where it all was headed. But I didn't own it. I didn't quit my mom's job. I didn't use up all her money. I didn't pull her 401k to live on instead of getting a job. I wasn't and I am not responsible for her happiness. She quit her job. She refused to get another job. She chose to be a victim and wanted to put the burden of responsibility on me.
Our last conversation we ever had went like this "Andraé you always have been selfish - you have always taken care of yourself and done nothing for this family." And then she flipped and told me how she never wanted my help anyway and how I just assumed she did and that I always thought she was helpless, and that my brother was going to take care of her because he loves her and cares about her. Great!
She was mad because she flat out asked if we would pay her rent. She had been intentionally unemployed by this point for 14 months, I told her that we would not be paying her rent but that again we would love to help her find a job so that she could pay her own rent and that she could also go to her Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and ask for help in the short term as our church has amazing resources to help the unemployed and those in need. BUT they have to be willing to do all they can to help themselves.
Here is the deal. If I paid my mom’s rent I would be enabling her. Again I am not responsible for my mother’s well being. I can help her help herself but I am not required to carry her. I have always been kind to her.
My mom is not unique. People like my mom exist everywhere in every walk of life and they use emotion to control and manipulate people. They never own their mistakes, their weaknesses, their life - anything. It is always someone's fault.
I don't hate my mother. I do love myself. I am important. You are important. A relationship is a give and a take. An opportunity for growth and personal improvement. Relationships are hard, especially within the dynamics of a family. But when you find yourself trapped by guilt and shame and feeling responsible for the emotions of another person it's time to step back and reevaluate that relationship.
I could have a relationship with my mother. But it would require that I do all the work - that I make all the effort and that I read her mind and walk on eggshells to make she never gets upset. I am unwilling to do that because I matter too.
You qualify for happiness. Your thoughts and feelings matter and you can expect to be cared for and loved in a way that is encouraging, empowering and uplifting. Your weaknesses should not be used as ammunition against you. You can expect to ask for something or to talk about something in a relationship and expect to be heard and respected. Disagreements can happen without a one sided verbal assault on your character.
To those of you in an abusive relationship seek help now. It is not your fault and being more understanding won't improve anything. People who want to change and are willing to change make the change. Maybe you think it isn't as severe as my mom's abuse has been all these years, but abuse is abuse. If you don't stand up for yourself then who will?
GO. FIGHT. WIN.
My mother lives four tenths of a mile from my house. We have not seen her in well over a year.
Nothing. Nada. Why? Because I would not continue to pay for her cellphone - which we had already been paying for - for four years, and because I wouldn't financially subsidize her life.
When we moved from Tennessee to Utah in 2012 I felt impressed to reestablish communication with my mom. I hadn't talked to her in years. Did you read that right? I - me - I had not talked to her in years. That is how my mom works. You call her. She doesn't call you, unless she needs an opportunity to manipulate you. So because I had not reached out we did not talk.
I had resolved within myself that I would give our relationship my best efforts. I would rise above the chaos and negativity and I would give it my best. We invited her to things. We made cards for her birthday and mother's day. We would stop by.
At the time we lived 40 minutes away from her. We would invite her to our house often, to which she would always provide an excuse, "My car can't go that far." "I'm just so tired", "I don't enough gas." Her car could go that far. And I knew she had enough gas. What it came down to was that to come to my house would be to relinquish control. She would invite us to her house as an option and we would go occasionally. But I hated taking my kids because she was mean. And they hated going.
I would encourage them to be patient with Grandma because she didn't have a good mom so being kind didn't come naturally. But they saw past that. Grandmas are not supposed to be mean.
She wasn't overtly mean. It was things like telling them at 10 years old that if they got second helpings at meals they would get fat. Said in a sing-songy voice of course because I guess that covers up the negativity. Or refusing them water because she thought they had enough. And constantly telling them to be quiet and to sit down (a practice from childhood - noise was forbidden) Or saying "no one wants to see you do gymnastics" to a child who wanted to show her a new skill she had learned.
I am sure those of you who know my mom right now are thinking that this is all a lie. Judy! NO! She is so kind - so giving. Yeah. For your eyes only, she is the best at making you see what she wants you to see. I don't share this stuff to destroy my mother. I share it because it is real and I am not the only one with a dysfunctional family. If I do not share my experiences and how I have overcome the guilt and shame then I feel I have wasted what I have learned.
I am not going to lie. It hurt having a relationship with my mother during this time. When I had Annie (baby number 7) she did stop by the hospital but that was it. She didn't come up to help with the kids. In fact she did nothing. And when I resurfaced after a few months I reached out to her again. Why? Because I was going to give it my best right? I was going to be patient with her weaknesses.
I am not really sure what parts of the universe led us to live up the road from my mom in 2013, but the house that worked best for us ended up being a stones throw away. I am grateful for it though because it is an incredible lesson in relationships for me and my children.
When we moved here we invited, called, stopped by and made every effort to include and to help my mom feel wanted and loved. Remember I was determined to rise above all the negativity. But nothing happened. She didn't come to soccer games. She didn't come to watch Alora compete or Aspen ride. She didn't come to support any of the kids at any point. There was always an excuse and I was always made to feel like if I would have told her sooner, offered to take her or somehow predict what her needs were - then she could have made it. Always it was my fault. Didn't I know she was tired? Didn't I remember she had this or that? Gosh what a crappy daughter I was, not anticipating her needs - and reading her mind.
In 2015 my mom quit her job. Her very well paying and insurance providing job. Quit. The job she had had for 14 years she just quit. She didn't have another job to go to. She said that she was being bullied and that it was just not somewhere she could work anymore.
Shortly after quitting she says to me "Andraé I always knew I could count on you, that you and Ray would take care of me"
I laughed. Out loud. Really? Nope. Because my entire life she always told my sister that she knew she was the only one who really loved her and that she would take care of her.
The walls went up and I moved forward with the greatest degree of caution, I knew where this was going and that comment confirmed to me what my gut had been telling me. She quit because she saw how well Ray was doing. You may think that is just plain mean of me to say. But it is truth. My mother would absolutely use me. Because she is incapable of loving me. She is and always will be the victim. She chooses it.
As that year would progress she would text me (gasp!!) (dead give away that her intentions were selfish) and ask if I wanted to go to JoAnn's or Hobby Lobby. I knew she was up to something but I accepted the invite. Then after going to the store she would say "Oh I am so hungry - how about Costa Vida?" Okay. We would get there and she would not have enough money - or would have forgotten her wallet or her debit card. "Oh Draé can you pay for this and I will pay you back?" Classic Judy. We pay for stuff with promises of being refunded only when we go back for said money it is thrown in our face everything she thinks she has ever done for us and we are told how selfish we are for even thinking she owed us money. I never did ask for my money back because I am not a total loser - I get it - she wanted to eat out. I only payed once though because I knew I was being used.
This behavior continued for several months. She would invite me to stop by so she could show me something only to make passive-aggressive remarks about how hungry she was but she will be okay and how she didn't have food but she has starved before. Yeah. Get a job. Or she would make remarks about how she had no idea how she was going to pay her rent or her utilities, followed up with how she has always survived even if no one was willing to help her. I often replied. "Mom, this must be a really difficult time for you being unemployed. We would love to help you get your resume ready and Ray does work in staffing so he would love to reach out to some people about job opportunities."
One day on his way home Ray stopped by and sat down with her, took detailed notes about her current and previous work history and crafted a strong resume to help her in her job search. He also made sure her computer was set up, internet worked and that she could successfully apply for jobs online. He also started reaching out to his network to see if he could help move her job search along. And he paid a significant amount of money to have her make a couple quilts in hopes that it would help her feel productive and to help her “earn” money to pay her bills. More than once he would drop off Dr Pepper (her version of heavenly nectar) and Cheetos (mana from above to my mom) on her doorstep to be kind and let her know we were thinking about her. He was with me every step of the way trying to be a force for good in her life, being supportive and trying to help her.
Her reply to my offers of help was ALWAYS, "I don't need your help if it is too much of an inconvenience to help buy your mother groceries (or help pay utilities) while she is scraping by then fine. Don't let me be an inconvenience. I wouldn't want you to have to sacrifice for me - your mother."
Funny thing is, she never talked like that to Ray. And she never will. It’s not how she works. She is only mean to her family. To everyone else she is just a self-sacrificing woman who has given everything to the improvement of life for others without expecting anything in return.
My reply always was a reaffirmation of what was already said, "We would love to help by helping you secure employment which will be a permanent solution instead of a band aid."
Don't worry. My mother never went hungry. She got her bills paid. She wasn't destitute she just didn't want to be responsible. It just meant using the money she had to pay bills instead of buying fabric and Dr. Pepper.
That year I was never more grateful for all those hundreds of hours of therapy. I knew where it all was headed. But I didn't own it. I didn't quit my mom's job. I didn't use up all her money. I didn't pull her 401k to live on instead of getting a job. I wasn't and I am not responsible for her happiness. She quit her job. She refused to get another job. She chose to be a victim and wanted to put the burden of responsibility on me.
Our last conversation we ever had went like this "Andraé you always have been selfish - you have always taken care of yourself and done nothing for this family." And then she flipped and told me how she never wanted my help anyway and how I just assumed she did and that I always thought she was helpless, and that my brother was going to take care of her because he loves her and cares about her. Great!
She was mad because she flat out asked if we would pay her rent. She had been intentionally unemployed by this point for 14 months, I told her that we would not be paying her rent but that again we would love to help her find a job so that she could pay her own rent and that she could also go to her Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and ask for help in the short term as our church has amazing resources to help the unemployed and those in need. BUT they have to be willing to do all they can to help themselves.
Here is the deal. If I paid my mom’s rent I would be enabling her. Again I am not responsible for my mother’s well being. I can help her help herself but I am not required to carry her. I have always been kind to her.
My mom is not unique. People like my mom exist everywhere in every walk of life and they use emotion to control and manipulate people. They never own their mistakes, their weaknesses, their life - anything. It is always someone's fault.
I don't hate my mother. I do love myself. I am important. You are important. A relationship is a give and a take. An opportunity for growth and personal improvement. Relationships are hard, especially within the dynamics of a family. But when you find yourself trapped by guilt and shame and feeling responsible for the emotions of another person it's time to step back and reevaluate that relationship.
I could have a relationship with my mother. But it would require that I do all the work - that I make all the effort and that I read her mind and walk on eggshells to make she never gets upset. I am unwilling to do that because I matter too.
You qualify for happiness. Your thoughts and feelings matter and you can expect to be cared for and loved in a way that is encouraging, empowering and uplifting. Your weaknesses should not be used as ammunition against you. You can expect to ask for something or to talk about something in a relationship and expect to be heard and respected. Disagreements can happen without a one sided verbal assault on your character.
To those of you in an abusive relationship seek help now. It is not your fault and being more understanding won't improve anything. People who want to change and are willing to change make the change. Maybe you think it isn't as severe as my mom's abuse has been all these years, but abuse is abuse. If you don't stand up for yourself then who will?
GO. FIGHT. WIN.
Comments
Post a Comment