I don't remember what I said exactly but I do remember what she said and it infuriated me. She flat out told me that I was like my mother and I was enraged. Not mad or upset - FURIOUS. I wasn't like my mother and I never would be. I marched out of her office and started home - in my flip flops - in the rain - east coast rain.
Never mind that home was 10 plus miles away and I was supposed to wait for my husband to pick me up. I was so angry I had to move - I had to get away from her as fast as I possibly could. If the rocks would not have hurt so bad on the bottoms of my feet then I would have run. Ray eventually found me walking down the highway - because when you are as mad as I was you don't stop to think about your safety - I swore I would never go back.
I'm talking about my therapist. One of my favorites actually. I have three that I loved, and still do. And I loved them for the very reason that I hated Dr. Moretz that day.
They told me the truth.
You don't go to therapy to be coddled. It's the last thing you need actually. You go to change. You start out going to talk about what happened, but eventually you have to switch gears to being willing to change.
That day though that was a very, very, very, hard day.
I still don't remember what I said exactly and I can't recall the exacts words she said but I do remember her saying that I was reacting and behaving just like my mother. It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I was not my mother and that was why I was in therapy because HELLO I am NOT my mother.
I sulked for days. I was crushed. This therapist who I had grown to trust, who helped me work through so many other things just basically called me a narcissist. I rehearsed my actions and what I said - I analyzed my behaviors - I paced - I journaled.
I don't remember the exact moment but I do remember the life changing realization. If I was going to break a cycle of abuse in my family then I had to figure out which parts of me were exactly like the people who hurt me.
I was broken because it hit me - changing the past didn't happen by talking about it. It happened by me changing the parts of me that would repeat it. It felt hopeless really and overwhelming.
I was sad and angry.
Sad because I just didn't know if I had it in me to hear everything about me that was like my mother or my father.
Angry because I had to do the work they were unwilling to do.
Not only did I have to work through the issues that were a result of what I experienced for 24 years but I also would have to work through all the parts of me that were like them.
All of this only added to my already deep depression.
It was all really really hard. Therapy was hard and the rewards would not be seen for years.
The thing that kept me going though - the one hope that I clung to was my determination that my children would never know what I knew as a child. I was not going to repeat my past.
I am pretty sure I have been on every medication known to mankind to help me get through my depression during that time. At one point they thought I was bi-polar II because of my behaviors. And then I got to cycle through meds for that and I even got a death rash from one of them. I was admitted to a psych ward three times for severe depression and suicidal feelings. It was a mess.
But I would do it all again and again and again for what I know now - for what I feel now.
Nothing I experienced in my life was my fault.
But my future is and was my responsibility.
If I didn't want my children to experience what I did, I had to face all of my weaknesses head on and own them. I had to be honest with myself about all the ways I was exactly like my mother and my father and make the necessary changes.
I was a victim but I became a survivor.
To those of you who have experienced abuse the things I have written can be extremely hard to read but it must be said. Too many women and even men stay in the victim cycle. We don't get apologies and there really isn't suitable retribution in this life from our abusers. Once you recognize that you have been or are being abused take ownership of your life. Get out and get help. No one can do for you what you are unwilling to do for yourself. Change is hard but it is worth it.
GO. FIGHT. WIN.
Never mind that home was 10 plus miles away and I was supposed to wait for my husband to pick me up. I was so angry I had to move - I had to get away from her as fast as I possibly could. If the rocks would not have hurt so bad on the bottoms of my feet then I would have run. Ray eventually found me walking down the highway - because when you are as mad as I was you don't stop to think about your safety - I swore I would never go back.
I'm talking about my therapist. One of my favorites actually. I have three that I loved, and still do. And I loved them for the very reason that I hated Dr. Moretz that day.
They told me the truth.
You don't go to therapy to be coddled. It's the last thing you need actually. You go to change. You start out going to talk about what happened, but eventually you have to switch gears to being willing to change.
That day though that was a very, very, very, hard day.
I still don't remember what I said exactly and I can't recall the exacts words she said but I do remember her saying that I was reacting and behaving just like my mother. It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I was not my mother and that was why I was in therapy because HELLO I am NOT my mother.
I sulked for days. I was crushed. This therapist who I had grown to trust, who helped me work through so many other things just basically called me a narcissist. I rehearsed my actions and what I said - I analyzed my behaviors - I paced - I journaled.
I don't remember the exact moment but I do remember the life changing realization. If I was going to break a cycle of abuse in my family then I had to figure out which parts of me were exactly like the people who hurt me.
I was broken because it hit me - changing the past didn't happen by talking about it. It happened by me changing the parts of me that would repeat it. It felt hopeless really and overwhelming.
I was sad and angry.
Sad because I just didn't know if I had it in me to hear everything about me that was like my mother or my father.
Angry because I had to do the work they were unwilling to do.
Not only did I have to work through the issues that were a result of what I experienced for 24 years but I also would have to work through all the parts of me that were like them.
All of this only added to my already deep depression.
It was all really really hard. Therapy was hard and the rewards would not be seen for years.
The thing that kept me going though - the one hope that I clung to was my determination that my children would never know what I knew as a child. I was not going to repeat my past.
I am pretty sure I have been on every medication known to mankind to help me get through my depression during that time. At one point they thought I was bi-polar II because of my behaviors. And then I got to cycle through meds for that and I even got a death rash from one of them. I was admitted to a psych ward three times for severe depression and suicidal feelings. It was a mess.
But I would do it all again and again and again for what I know now - for what I feel now.
Nothing I experienced in my life was my fault.
But my future is and was my responsibility.
If I didn't want my children to experience what I did, I had to face all of my weaknesses head on and own them. I had to be honest with myself about all the ways I was exactly like my mother and my father and make the necessary changes.
I was a victim but I became a survivor.
To those of you who have experienced abuse the things I have written can be extremely hard to read but it must be said. Too many women and even men stay in the victim cycle. We don't get apologies and there really isn't suitable retribution in this life from our abusers. Once you recognize that you have been or are being abused take ownership of your life. Get out and get help. No one can do for you what you are unwilling to do for yourself. Change is hard but it is worth it.
GO. FIGHT. WIN.
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