Dear Society,

You are a fickle bunch aren’t ya? You want these women to name names and give details because you think they are hiding behind their story. But when they do name names and give details you are ruthless in how you dismiss them and you are vicious in tearing down the very person who finally found the courage to say something.

You complain because you say that this hashtag movement is doing nothing.

Nothing for who?

You?

Why is this even about you?

This never was about you. It’s about those who have been and are victims of sexual abuse, assault and harassment. The ones you keep trying to silence with the narcissistic hoops you want them to jump through. You don’t really want names. You just want something else to complain about. You don’t want details. You just want a story to tear apart.

Society, you don’t want to know truth. You never have. And that is why Weinstein and every monster like him out there can exist.

Victims do not come forward because when they do, they are immediately met with doubts and questions.

The very first question always is – “are you sure?”. Like someone who has been harassed, assaulted or abused is unclear about what they are telling you. It is usually right after that most women will go silent if they said anything at all.

Do you want to know why they don’t name names? Because you won’t believe who it is, because you probably know them personally. Because the abuser will silence them, if you haven’t already. They will use every legal means necessary to destroy whoever tries to come up against them. Most women though will have already been threatened or face the threat of physical violence.

 I am sure there is someone out there who is thinking that if a woman were really scared she would call the police.

Have you ever had a gun pointed at you by someone literally twice your size? Have you ever had someone try to choke you to death who is twice your size? Have you ever seen a 6’ 1’ 250lb man throw a woman across a room?

I have and your first thought isn’t the police, it’s survival.

I – we – my neighbors - did call the police. They take statements. They may ask the man to leave for the night or for a few days, but that man can ever come back. Especially when there is a mother in the house who allows him to come back. Another story, for another day.

When I was 20 my father stalked me. He would show up at my work and threatened me regularly. He would call my work to remind me that he knew where I was. More than once he told me he could kill me and no one would know it. He would occasionally come in to my store and pretend like we were the best of friends. He was so nice to the people I worked with. I was always scared. I didn’t tell anyone because who would believe me. And why would they believe?

I did call the police, though when he pointed a gun at me in the parking lot, and I was told that without proof that he was threatening my life, nothing could be done. It was my word against his.

And that is how it always is.

Everybody wants proof. And no one believes that it could be someone they know.

Society, you want to know what happens now?

This is the part that is about you, if you actually want something done.

These women need a support system around them, not a firing squad.

First, stop trying to silence them. Stop shooting them down because they finally found the courage to say something with the asinine comment of “what can a hashtag do”? It got your attention - did it not? And stop trying to decide who is telling the truth and who isn’t.

Second, become informed. Do you know the awful statistics of sexual abuse and assault in our country? Do you know what a sexual predator even looks like or acts like? Do you know their grooming patterns for victims? Do you know that some of the most evil men in our country are the best dressed and most charismatic? Do you know the signs and symptoms of a woman or child who has been sexually abused or assaulted?

Third. Be willing to hear the awful stories from the victims themselves. Being willing to accept the ugly truth of just how horrible and evil these men really are. These women are not trying to rehash anything. They are not digging up dirt and trying to re-victimize themselves. Most of them don’t want to be victims anymore, they just don’t know where to start and your constant minimizing and berating isn’t helping. You actually continue to re-victimize them with your abusive behaviors. 

What’s the worst thing that has ever happened to you? How many times have you told that story? Either because you learned from it or it still gets your goat every time you think of it. These women are doing a similar thing. Every time they have an opportunity to talk about what has happened to them it is another layer of anger, hurt and anguish they don’t have to carry. Every time they can say 'me too' it literally brings them closer to being free from the shame and guilt and fear that they carry. To shut them down is to hold them in their prison against their will.

The process of healing from sexual abuse and assault is long and hard, and quite frankly Society you are making it harder. But you have an opportunity here. You can be the one to do something. You can take this movement and actually DO something. You can help someone heal by listening instead of judging. You can empower the women in your own life by getting them into self-defense classes where they are able to learn how to protect themselves against an attack. You can learn the warning signs for yourself and your family about what a sexual predator acts like so that when you see something you can something. You can lobby for stricter laws for the rights of those who have been abused. You can lobby to protect children from their own parents who are being charged with abuse of someone else. (Did you know that a parent still has visitation rights to their children even if they are being charged with rape or abuse of another - even when the courts have physical evidence and the case won't even go to trial, but the person will be sent to prison?)


If you are so ready for action to be taken please lead by example and take the first steps.