I have been bothered my "Dear Society" post. Not that the post in general isn't exactly what I wanted to say, it is the examples I used that have bothered me. I used examples of physical abuse because those were the first that came to me as I was writing.
Why don't women say anything when the abuse first happens?
Because they can't even believe it happened. The depth of shock is not something that can not fully be put into words.
When the abuse is happening the only thing going through a victim's mind is "this isn't happening - this isn't happening".
You don't want to think about it. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to remember it.
And then it happens again. Not for everyone - but for those who are abused by family members or close friends - or even a spouse or a boyfriend, it will probably happen again and the victims are again working hard to forget it even happened or is happening.
Yes, a spouse or a boyfriend can sexually assault a woman. It happens more than people want to know.
I have had more than one person ask me "if it was so awful why didn't you fight back?".
My words to you who ask that question - pray you never know a fear so deep that you are emotionally and physically frozen. Pray you never know violence so terrible that you literally can not speak.
You don't have to understand why victims do or don't do anything. That isn't your job - your place - nor is it a question that you can even ask. In fact never ask that question because the victim has already asked it of themselves and they feel ashamed because they feel like they could have done more than they could have.
To you who have been abused. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.
Someone you trusted - someone you loved - someone you didn't even know has robbed you. THEY hurt YOU. They were selfish and evil. Still are.
I know women who have said that when they confronted their abuser were told that they did something, that they gave a vibe or it was a misunderstanding.
Nope. No misunderstanding. No vibe. They were wrong. But because they are narcissist they are unable to be accountable.
After I moved to Utah when I was 18, I wanted help for what I had gone through and was still going through with my family. I was attending a singles branch and I went to the Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and shared with him what I had gone through.
He looked right at me and said that he had seen this so many times, girls using sexual abuse as a way to get attention. I gave him the politest F.U. I could and went on my way. I never did go back to church after that. And in fact my life spiraled down hill. I became what everyone was telling me I was.
I told people. A lot of people. I was looking for help. I hadn't just been abused sexually. I had been abused physically and emotionally and I wanted help. But the response was always the same, they looked disgusted by me, like I was the evil one unworthy of human interaction. Girls didn't want to be around me, I was "that" girl. So I became that girl.
I went to a counselor when I was 21 after moving back to Utah (a social worker - masters degree - kind of counselor). She told me that I didn't need to tell her what happened because it would be like re-victimizing myself.
I am not sure what kind of experience - or education - or training she had but she was wrong in too many ways to even begin to discuss.
I wasn't there to rehash or stay a victim I was there to get better - to get help. I never went back to her.
I use these as examples of what happens way too often when someone tries to seek help.
It took a while - years - but I finally found the help I needed but not without more loses than wins. I had three therapists who worked with me and who wanted to see my success as much as I wanted it. Before that though it was nearly impossible to find someone who would believe me and who wanted to help me.
Victims are struggling enough without the world throwing them under the proverbial bus every time they get brave enough to reach out. Unless you have been a victim of sexual abuse or assault you will never understand why they do what they do or why they don't do what they don't do.
I am not asking the world to become a therapist. I am asking that in general we stop jumping to conclusions. That we become more aware of the people around us and the non-verbal cues they give us. That when someone does say something that you listen.
If you really want to be a benefit to your community then always have on hand numbers for abuse hotlines, a great therapist (we all have a friend who loves their therapist - get that number). And be honest. You can say "I don't know what you are going through but I am willing to help you find the help you need.".
To you who have suffered, I offer again my deepest sympathy and empathy. You do not have to carry your burden alone. You do not have to carry your burden for the rest of your lives. You can find relief from your ache and you can find healing. I am your proof of that.
GO.FIGHT.WIN.
Why don't women say anything when the abuse first happens?
Because they can't even believe it happened. The depth of shock is not something that can not fully be put into words.
When the abuse is happening the only thing going through a victim's mind is "this isn't happening - this isn't happening".
You don't want to think about it. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to remember it.
And then it happens again. Not for everyone - but for those who are abused by family members or close friends - or even a spouse or a boyfriend, it will probably happen again and the victims are again working hard to forget it even happened or is happening.
Yes, a spouse or a boyfriend can sexually assault a woman. It happens more than people want to know.
I have had more than one person ask me "if it was so awful why didn't you fight back?".
My words to you who ask that question - pray you never know a fear so deep that you are emotionally and physically frozen. Pray you never know violence so terrible that you literally can not speak.
You don't have to understand why victims do or don't do anything. That isn't your job - your place - nor is it a question that you can even ask. In fact never ask that question because the victim has already asked it of themselves and they feel ashamed because they feel like they could have done more than they could have.
To you who have been abused. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.
Someone you trusted - someone you loved - someone you didn't even know has robbed you. THEY hurt YOU. They were selfish and evil. Still are.
I know women who have said that when they confronted their abuser were told that they did something, that they gave a vibe or it was a misunderstanding.
Nope. No misunderstanding. No vibe. They were wrong. But because they are narcissist they are unable to be accountable.
After I moved to Utah when I was 18, I wanted help for what I had gone through and was still going through with my family. I was attending a singles branch and I went to the Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) and shared with him what I had gone through.
He looked right at me and said that he had seen this so many times, girls using sexual abuse as a way to get attention. I gave him the politest F.U. I could and went on my way. I never did go back to church after that. And in fact my life spiraled down hill. I became what everyone was telling me I was.
I told people. A lot of people. I was looking for help. I hadn't just been abused sexually. I had been abused physically and emotionally and I wanted help. But the response was always the same, they looked disgusted by me, like I was the evil one unworthy of human interaction. Girls didn't want to be around me, I was "that" girl. So I became that girl.
I went to a counselor when I was 21 after moving back to Utah (a social worker - masters degree - kind of counselor). She told me that I didn't need to tell her what happened because it would be like re-victimizing myself.
I am not sure what kind of experience - or education - or training she had but she was wrong in too many ways to even begin to discuss.
I wasn't there to rehash or stay a victim I was there to get better - to get help. I never went back to her.
I use these as examples of what happens way too often when someone tries to seek help.
It took a while - years - but I finally found the help I needed but not without more loses than wins. I had three therapists who worked with me and who wanted to see my success as much as I wanted it. Before that though it was nearly impossible to find someone who would believe me and who wanted to help me.
Victims are struggling enough without the world throwing them under the proverbial bus every time they get brave enough to reach out. Unless you have been a victim of sexual abuse or assault you will never understand why they do what they do or why they don't do what they don't do.
I am not asking the world to become a therapist. I am asking that in general we stop jumping to conclusions. That we become more aware of the people around us and the non-verbal cues they give us. That when someone does say something that you listen.
If you really want to be a benefit to your community then always have on hand numbers for abuse hotlines, a great therapist (we all have a friend who loves their therapist - get that number). And be honest. You can say "I don't know what you are going through but I am willing to help you find the help you need.".
To you who have suffered, I offer again my deepest sympathy and empathy. You do not have to carry your burden alone. You do not have to carry your burden for the rest of your lives. You can find relief from your ache and you can find healing. I am your proof of that.
GO.FIGHT.WIN.
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